Despite His White Boots

Football, football, football and, if the mood takes me, more football.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

It's Not Easy Being Green

Every now and then, something or someone annoys the hell out of me, but when I calm down and think about blogging it I realise it's not really that big a deal. I was thinking the same about this particular annoyance, but then I thought, no. This has to be said, and I'm the man to say it. Alan Green is a useless cunt.

I watched most of the United-Chelsea game in the gym, but when the evil empire, erm that is the visiting evil empire, equalised it seemed clear enough that they were both happy enough with a point and that was that. So I trotted off home, and turned on the radio on my arrival for the last 5 minutes, just in case anyone scored a freak ricochet goal while trying to tackle someone by the corner flag (if anyone can, Lampard can). With the game of the season drawing to a close, naturally Green was in the chair, presumably because he has pictures of the BBC Sport Controller or something. Naturally enough, he was moaning, talking a load of shite and generally being about as informative as the legendary BBC website text commentary. Defensive throw-in 78:47 [1].

Same old same old until he came out with something that just encapsulates, epitomises if you will, how much of a cunt he is. Some background, you may remember that when Michael Ballack arrived in London he was quoted as saying that he couldn't afford a house because they were too expensive. Of course no one with half a brain actually believed that was what he meant, and equally of course it wasn't. What he said was that buying a house was too expensive compared to renting, and so he was going to rent. Our fine press, once they had stopped coming in their pants at the prospect of a story about their two favourite space-fillers greedy footballers and house prices, misrepresented it with their usual glee. And most people, myself included, forgot all about it. Yesterday's news, today's fish and chip wrappers.

Until Ballack was substituted today. Green suddenly dived into his notes and retrieved the comedy stylings he was up all night scripting. Like Motson with his stats, although he's a harmless nerd compared to Green. "Ballack's off, he hasn't done much," opined Green, "maybe (comic pause) maybe he was up all night working out how much money he's saved not buying a house, because he can't afford one". In about 5 seconds he managed to be out of date, inaccurate, childish, petty, bitter, sarcastic and most of all desperately unfunny. You almost had to admire the efficiency of it in a way.

In a more real way though, you had to chainsaw the radio to smithereens and feed the bits to wild dogs. Why oh why, as I would say if I was writing to Points Of View, why oh why is this miserable stupid bitter pathetic twisted old fuckwit considered BBC radio's number one football commentator. He must have some pictures or something. "The hell with you Green, " I would say if I was Controller, "that could be anyone's ass". And every football fan I talk to about him agrees. Go ahead, if you're reading this blog. Write a comment below saying that Green is an informative and entertaining commentator who livens up many a dull evening with his cheerful repartee and even-handed analysis. I almost forgot his gross Liverpool bias. There's just so much material to work with ! Go on, write that in the comments. I fucking dare you. And remember, lies make Baby Jesus cry. When oh when is this complete goon going to be shipped back to Radio Ulster to commentate on Distillery v Dungannon Swifts for the rest of time. That would give him something to fucking complain about.

[1] Correction : Attacking throw-in 78:47


  • At 12:19 AM, Blogger Fred Titmus said…

    Perhaps Mr Ballack could enquire exactly how much Green is paid. In fact, that is much more germane (as opposed to German - see, we can all be unfunny) to the listener, seeing as they are paying it.

  • At 5:11 AM, Blogger The Camel said…

    I hate myself for admitting it, but I don't mind Alan Green.

    How can you waste hatred on him when there is Martin Tyler and Jonathan Fucking-Pearce to loathe?

  • At 2:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    No hatred is wasted on Green.

    I complained to the BBC a couple of seasons after Green had spent an entire game bemoaning the fact that Everton might make the Champions League and, in so doing, bring shame on English football. I mentioned that he was employed to commentate on what was happening on the pitch, and not to pontificate about how unworthy we were of a place in the top four.

    I know we were shit but it was hardly our fault that everyone below us was even worse. Ironically, we actually won the game in question 4-0, but to Green the game marked a fresh nadir for English football. His despair as the final Champions League place looked like it was slipping from the grasp of his beloved Liverpool, was palpable.

    Tyler's OK in that he tells you what's happening, and I quite like Pearce's enthusiasm, but don't get me started on Clive "That night in Barcelona!' Tyldesley.


  • At 1:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Surely the worst commentator out there is John Motson. He's gone completely mad and spends every game he commentates on shrieking at every half chance like it's about to scream into the back of the net a la Ronnie Radford.


  • At 11:01 AM, Blogger Andy_Ward said…

    Fortunately I don't have to deal with these TV wankers :-). I have heard reports that a huge proportion of BBC Digital viewers exercised their option to listen to radio commentary or just crowd noise instead, and that wouldn't surprise me.

    I think that all commentators, and especially the more idiosyncratic, have a certain shelf life, after which they become parodies of themselves. This has happened to Hansen on the analysis side as well. Pretty much everyone's sick of them but the BBC especially keep them on as a "national treasure" or some such bollocks.


  • At 4:09 PM, Blogger Andy_Ward said…

    I should have said about that BBC Digital thing, that was during the World Cup.



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